A post of vulnerability.
I want to share this as a tribute to how non-linear healing can be. Despite my digestive issues, I had been in an upward spiral for a few months. A few weeks ago I started getting some symptoms return that I had thought had been long gone. I then had some lab results return with the autoimmune titer still positive and a few other out of range markers. I ramped up doctors appointments at this time and really started stressing. The positive to this is I’m starting to work with some fantastic physical healing guides right now. Ones that really feel right intuitively as the next step of my journey.
The combination of returning symptoms, continued symptoms, and labs, not to mention sharing my story again several times, really triggered me. My adult personality was inside but not strong enough yet to override my protective side. I started to ruminate about where a pipe could be leaking or more mold could be in the home. What other toxins I could be breathing in. Or what the worst case scenario would be with some of my elevated lab markers. I also started feeling more frustration towards my discomfort of bloating and digestion. My protector part was screaming “do something now!!” You may ask, why don’t I just do another gut protocol? Well, there are many reasons for that. I’ve done small ones here and there in recent months that didn’t give much of a reprieve. Also, while I never tested negative for SIBO, I also haven’t done a retest and I’m not fully sure that is what’s going on with the bloat. The extreme bloating started after getting C@V1D for a second time in January, accompanied by work stress, and eating a low protein, plant based diet. While I know all were contributing factors, I try not to build story around the cause. It is here and it is what is happening and my intuition is telling me to get to the root before treating the gut again. And as painful and elongated in timing as it might be, I am choosing to follow that hunch and hope that the payoff will be greater than the struggle at the other end.
SIBO is a symptom. Bloating is a symptom. Anything digestive going on is a symptom. A message your body is trying to send you as it adapts to the imbalance that is blocking it’s healing. Our bodies are made to heal and they are made to keep us alive. One thing I am consistently reminding myself is that my body is on my side. It doesn’t want me to feel uncomfortable, but it is going to adapt to whatever is happening inside to keep me whole. Part of that is the emotional piece and the overreaction of the Limbic System (will touch more on this in my next post). But I also believe that there are resulting physical imbalances in my body that need to be acknowledged and that is where I have felt stuck. I’ve noticed myself slipping back into old patterns of worry and frustration. Bringing back the “I should…” “I need to…” “I have to…”. Falling victim again to something that is happening “to” me and failing to really sink in the idea that my body truly loves me. I remind myself that my heart is beating. My lungs are breathing, and even though it may be struggling, my food is digesting. This may seem like I’m judging myself for getting triggered. And there is that inner critic inside that is screaming out some judgement. BUT I choose to meet myself with compassion. To meet my body with compassion. To recognize to my inner child that of course I am feeling frustrated and angry. Allowing myself to feel those emotions, not suppress or push them away as I have done in the past.
I know the new pathways in my brain that I have formed over the last 9 months or so are still there and active. The joy- filled, inherently ok pathways. And those are the ones I will pick back up with. I am acknowledging this set back, not as a failure, but as a chance to become aware and continue to grow. And awareness is huge. I CHOOSE to let go of my resistance and accept my current challenge and I CHOOSE to see myself as physically healthy and inherently OK. Because ultimately, I am OK. This iota of control I think I have over my body and it’s automatic functions…it’s just not true. I surrender. And I will continue to choose surrender everyday. And if I resist, that’s ok. There will be those days. It’s all part of the process. I know that the answer is awaiting me. That I’m on the right track.
What I’ve found to help in these “dips” is to remind myself of my wins, even when feeling down. A win for me was going on a weekend getaway with my husband and having fun despite the anxiety that kept creeping in and the physical discomforts. We went to a sound bath and it was beautiful. I also found myself doing a lot of Faster EFT and Intention Tapping (look up Steve Wells). These techniques have helped me a lot.
If you struggle with set backs and resistance to letting go, know that you aren’t alone. A book that I am reading that resonates with me is “Letting Go” by David Hawkins. I would recommend anyone struggling with chronic illness, emotional turmoil, resistant circumstances, etc, read this book. You won’t regret it.
