Update and Ego Check…
As I look back over the past blog entries, I realize how far I’ve come. It’s far, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. I still struggle with my fix it parts and trying to control my health journey and am learning to release that little by little. I am finally seeing some improvement with my upper GI issues with some diet changes and Matula Tea. If I could go back a year ago, I would remind myself again that a holistic approach is mind AND body. I was trying so hard to change my mind to change my body. Then looking outside of myself to try all the supplements which also overwhelmed my body. And honestly “trying” is a form of control. Yes, body and mind are connected and sometimes physical nudges and life changes are in order to see the shifts you are looking for, but balance is pivotal.
That being said, we’ll see what happens and I promise to update. I was stagnant with digestion for a while and it was hard for me to want to write an update without seeing much progress. I am still going to functional physical therapy, which has been huge in balancing my overall body.
In the meantime, I am embracing all possibilities. Getting out of a scarcity black and white mindset, to be fully in the gray, open hearted area where multiple things can be true. While in that area, I have had so many AHA moments over the last few months. With that, I’d like to share something personal…and this I feel is relatable to many people, whether they know it or not.
As it’s easy to pick off the low hanging fruit in this journey of transformation, once you get to the deep seeded roots, the change takes much more effort. Valuable effort. I’m learning that I have a need to diagnose myself every time a new symptom arises so that I have a story to plan out and action to take so I can be safe. This is a huge pattern I am continuing to be conscious of to actively shift. Other areas I was not focusing on in my life during this process is my marriage and how I approach that codependency pattern. I have shifted in so many ways from other codependent areas of my life, but with my husband it’s been a challenge. He has helped me tremendously to point out when I am stuck in ego, or looking for guidance to make decisions or asking for reassurance for false safety. I have improved in these areas, however, I didn’t realize how much of a victim mentality I was and am still holding. I became codependent with my husband when I got sick. I am very lucky that I have a partner who is wise beyond all years and was probably a therapist or coach in a past life. He is extremely patient and is someone I look up to with strong boundaries. As I become conscious of my patterns, I have noticed I criticize him quite a bit for not doing ALL the things around the house. To help me get chores done. Or if I can’t find something, it’s his fault for misplacing it. It saves me the self shame when I can shame someone else for what I myself didn’t do. I also get angry and sad when he leaves to go golfing or on work trips. It suddenly becomes him leaving me or not wanting to spend time with me and I make him feel guilty. On purpose.
Why do I latch onto this story? Well, because it’s comfortable. It makes me feel important, even though it simultaneously makes me feel small. It’s what my brain thinks keeps me safe regardless of the dysfunction. No one at the core of their humanity sets out to be critical or mean to the people they love. There’s always a reason and that’s usually protection and familiarity (SAFETY). It is really a hard pill to swallow when you realize it’s you that’s perpetuating a cycle.
Now that I am aware of these lingering patterns, as they come up I can challenge them. The awareness itself doesn’t stop the emotion from coming up or me being triggered in the moment. The desperation and frustration that “he doesn’t want to hang out with me “ or “ I’m not important enough”. The first thing to ask once these thoughts (stemming from the deeper belief) come up: Is this true? Do I 100% know this is true?
And to Byron Katie’s delight (I’m sure), I continue that with: “How do I feel when I think these thoughts?” “ Who would I be without these thoughts?”
By doing this, I remind myself who it is I am becoming. Who it is I WANT to be. I don’t want to grab onto the story to feed the narrative that has kept me safe. Because in reality, it has done nothing to keep me safe but actually be miserable and stuck in victimhood.
For anyone going through a transformation journey, I want to emphasize (and I see this with my clients too)…Awareness is the FIRST step. Awareness will NOT be what changes you. I was stuck in this idea for a long time. I knew all the things, had all the awareness, knew my patterns, my traumas, my beliefs. But, that was it. And I kept wondering how could I still be so stuck when I am so aware and conscious of all of this. And with the help of my amazing coach, I realized two things: 1. I wanted to stay stuck where I was because it was familiar and safe. The unknown is scary. 2. I wasn’t doing anything about it.
ACTION is when change happens. Being in the moment and thinking “are these thoughts that the person I truly am, the person I’m becoming thinks? Or are these the thoughts the old, protective parts of me think, when they were running the show?” And CHOOSE differently.
I also want to point out I have done it all. Literally, it all, except maybe NAET which has been on my list for a long time. But it sits on my list because I feel at this point all change comes from within. You have to WANT to be who you are becoming more than you want to be stuck in the same perceived safety net. It takes a lot of suffering to get to that point, and some people never get there. But once that starts shifting, you make the effort to choose otherwise. To choose to make the decision that is aligned with the future you.
I am not perfect, I still struggle with the choice. But I WANT to live. I WANT adventure. I WANT flow, and ease, and to be here now in this life. And I want to live consciously. So many people in this world are on autopilot. I don’t want to be that person, I want to live with intention and purpose. And that is what I WANT more than I want to be stuck in the cycle of stagnation.
Sometimes it takes getting really still, really present, to know what it is you want. When we are dysregulated and doing all the things (even the things we think are helping—meditation, somatics, TRE) we are never really present with it because we are always thinking “OK, what’s next”. But what if we think instead “What’s now?”
