THE Question to ask…

I have been struggling to write another  blog post because I start thinking- who wants to read this? How is this helpful? I’m not fully healed. I’m heaps and bounds from where I was before, but I still have a ways to go. I want to come out on the other side and have everyone see what I did. But I realized, when we read blogs of people who express what they’ve done, parts of the process can be missed. Why not share where I’m at, what I’m doing, and what I’m finding helpful. Or even what are the hardest things I’m coming up against. My perfectionist part wants everything to be tied in a nice bow. But that isn’t reality. Reality is that my dog died and it has been a ride of grief, anger, joy, relief, etc the last couple of months. I had a horrible scare with my gut in the weeks following, landing me in the ER and facing fear of additional radiation getting a CT scan to find out what was wrong- only to see that nothing was wrong. I put myself in that situation, I irritated my gut with my fear and worry. But, I have been able to sit with my emotions and let them flow through. I am proud of myself for that.

The best dog, Sal! So grateful for the years I spent with him and miss him everyday.

I am also overjoyed to be working with a coach who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is. She challenges me. I’ve been in this process of brain retraining for a year and a half but as much as I’d like to think I’ve done the deep work, I haven’t. I’ve stayed surface and even though I have calmed down a lot, those deep ingrained patterns are still there.

I am looking straight at the biggest boulder I have come up against. THE boulder that I’m allowing to hold me back. Do I continue to maintain this “illness” to meet my needs or can I see myself meeting my needs as a physically healthy person. My current situation has kept me safe, in my perception of the word. It’s been a cozy cabin with a warm fire and blankets and hot chocolate. Letting go of that is like walking across a stingy bridge into a dark forest of the unknown. It is that feeling of safety that keeps me here. Have I been able to travel? Yes. Is this a huge accomplishment for me? Yes. But even when traveling do I allow myself to fully let loose and live? No. Because “it’s not safe”. That is proof to me that I am still stuck in this façade of safety. This need to control anything and everything in and around me.

But I have come to the realization that is not truly living. I keep myself housed in this box. I expand a little bit at a time but always come right back to this person I am. Before I was thinking that I must uplevel my life to fully heal. Everything external to me. My home, my job, my daily structure. But that’s not it at all. It’s what is internal, inside of me. It is my reactions, it is my obsessions, it is how I show up to the world and for myself every day. It is breaking the habit of being myself. Being stuck in these old patterns of control and the need for safety. Everything else will come later, when I trust myself to follow my bliss.

I have recently been tasked with figuring out what I want more than being sick. I’m not going to lie, part of me feels I can maintain this sickness and live enough.  But is that true expansion? I don’t want my life to be confined to this prison I put myself in. Not when that’s not my story. And it’s not. I was meant to live. To be free. To follow my passion and purpose. To live in joy and freedom, unencumbered by the threats I have created in my mind. What if at the end of the forest there is a beautiful ravine with a lake and sun and birds and joy? Can I choose to walk that path into the forest of the unknown with trust that it will land me where I need to be?

My heart expands as I think of what life could be like. The true me who is waiting to break through from the confines. There are parts of me that feel scared, but the more I feel that feeling of who I want to be the more I start wanting that more than the reality I have now.

And that starts with doing the things to support my body out of love and not fear. I get in these cycles of knowing my minerals are off, knowing my stomach acid is low, and focus focus focus on what can I do to fix it, even when I’m already doing the things I need to. This is a pattern.

I keep thinking back to that rental I lived in college. I think to myself, if only I knew then what I know now. That a puff of white debris upon turning on an air conditioner does not signify anything good. But why was I the only one affected by what must have been a gigantic mold exposure? At least in the way that was so apparent at the time- the doomsday thoughts, constant worry, air hunger, exercise intolerance, fibroids in my breast. Then to be dismissed by doctors as having anxiety. Man that makes me so angry!!!

I could have gotten out of there, detoxed the mold and been on my way. Avoided the gut problems that were to come later. But where was the lesson in that? To stay away from mold but to stick with my patterns of control, people pleasing, settling? No, I was on this journey for a reason. I continue to detox now and to understand I am safe now. I am safe. I can relax.

Now for the question of the hour. What do I want more than I want the safety of illness? If you are struggling with chronic illness, ask yourself the same thing. You don’t need to know the answer right now. Sit on it. Ask yourself it daily. Everyday that I ask myself, it gets a little clearer for me. Yes, our bodies are in fight or flight because of toxins we have been exposed to and pathogens that have taken residence. But what is preventing our body from expelling those things? From absorbing the minerals we need? Our thoughts. Our patterns. How we live our life. That is the answer. And it’s so freaking simple, but SOOOO hard to change.

I recently received my certification for mind/body coaching. I am already taking clients and enjoying teaching and sharing and helping. I will soon add more about that to my website as I am only taking on a few clients at a time, but if you read this and are interested in working with me, reach out.